Obviously, it was in error and the booking clerk at my travel agents has been transferred to their remotest Venezuela branch. On a one-way ticket. In economy, of course …

I’m in Switzerland today to look at a possible deal.

There was an error by the idiot clerk who booked my ticket.

I was booked into something called “economy class”, whatever that was.

I had no idea that waiting to board an aircraft in economy was so bad.

First, the great unwashed queue as close as possible at the gate the moment they discover the plane will board “momentarily”.

They each have seat tickets in their grubby little hands, yet they’re standing there for 45 minutes as if they will never get a seat.

A McDonalds meal on a plane? Ye gods …

Then there were the ongoing announcements – all made by an adenoidal teenager who boasts to her friends that she “works in aviation” …

I’ve never heard beyond “First Class / Business Class passengers can board now, where they’ll get a welcome drink, a warm towel, warm peanuts and the individual attention of a purser who really cares about your comfort”.

Something like that anyway. I’m aboard as soon as I hear “First Class”.

Simon Armitage has quite a good poem about this sort of thing: – he called it “Thank You For Waiting”. It includes the lines:

“At this moment in time, we’d like to invite First Class passengers only to board the aircraft.

Thank you for waiting.

We now extend our invitation to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and Excelsior members, followed by Triple, Double and Single Platinum members, followed by Gold, Silver, Bronze card members, followed by Pearl and Coral Club members.”

And later:

“Mediocre passengers are now invited to board, followed by passengers lacking business acumen or general leadership potential, followed by people of little or no consequence, followed by people operating at a net fiscal loss as people.

Scroungers, malingers, spongers and freeloaders may now step forward….”

Stuff all of that.

I boarded last ….

Hells bells.

I’m a normal size.

How the hell do fat people first it into these seats?

And apparently, children are not only allowed to travel, but they can also just run around screaming.

Fortunately, it was only a 1-hour flight – but it seemed longer. Much longer.

And I had to carry my own luggage from some never-ending rubber conveyor belt, whilst these people stood so close to it.

Presumably because if they miss spotting their bright red cheap luggage with a spotted handkerchief tied to it* the first time, they’ll be abandoned with all of their clothes and toothbrushes lost for all eternity.

this was to “aid identification” I was informed later – though I’m sure I saw at least 7 that were exactly the same)

Never again, I pledged.